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Full Metal PhD

You will learn by the numbers! I will teach you!!

Feeling like your Professor is like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman? Then these quotes might sound familiar.

 

If you ladies leave my group, if you survive recruit training… you will be a weapon, you will be a minister of science, praying for research. But until that day you are pukes! You’re the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings! You are nothing but unorganized grabasstic pieces of amphibian shit! Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn: I am hard, but I am fair! There is no racial bigotry here! I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops, or greasers; here you are all equally worthless! And my orders are to weed out all non-doctorate who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Group! Do you maggots understand that?

Gunnery Professor Hartman

 

Today… is Christmas! There will be a magic show at zero-nine-thirty! Chaplain Charlie will tell you about how the free world will conquer Plagiarism with the aid of God and a few Scientists! God has a hard-on for Scientists because we test everything we see! He plays His games, we play ours! To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep Heaven packed with fresh souls! God was here before the Science Corps! So you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to the Corps! Do you ladies understand?

Gunnery Professor Hartman

 

Today you people are no longer maggots. Today you are PhDs. You’re part of a brotherhood. [voiceover] From now on, until the day you die, wherever you are, every PhD is your brother. Most of you will go to a postdoc. Some of you will not come back. But always remember this: PhDs die, that’s what we’re here for! But the Science Corps lives forever. And that means you live forever!

Gunnery Professor Hartman

 

Gunnery Professor Hartman: Jesus H. Christ! PhD student Pyle, why is your lab unlocked?

PhD student Gomer Pyle: Sir, I don’t know, sir!

Gunnery Professor Hartman: Private Pyle, if there is one thing in this world that I hate, it is an unlocked lab! You know that, don’t you?

PhD student Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!

Gunnery Professor Hartman: If it wasn’t for dickheads like you, there wouldn’t be any thievery in this university, would there?

PhD student Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir!

Gunnery Professor Hartman: Get down!

Gunnery Professor Hartman: Well now… let’s just see if there’s anything missing!

Gunnery Professor Hartman: Holy Jesus! What is that? What the fuck is that?[He slowly picks up a New Scientist magazine and holds it in disgust with his fingertips.]

Gunnery Professor HartmanWHAT IS THAT, PhD student PYLE?!

PhD student Gomer Pyle: Sir, a New Scientist magazine, sir!

Gunnery Professor Hartman: A New Scientist magazine?!

PhD student Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!

Gunnery Professor Hartman: How did it get here?

PhD student Gomer Pyle: Sir, I took it from the mess hall, sir!

Gunnery Professor Hartman: Is crap allowed in the barracks, PhD student Pyle?

PhD student Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir!

Gunnery Professor Hartman: Are you allowed to read a New Scientist magazine, PhD student Pyle?

PhD student Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir!

Gunnery Professor Hartman: And why not, PhD student Pyle?

PhD student Gomer Pyle: Sir, because I’m too stupid, sir!

Gunnery Professor Hartman: Because you are a disgusting stupid body, PhD student Pyle!

PhD student Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!

Gunnery Professor Hartman: Then why did you hide a New Scientist magazine in your lab, PhD student Pyle?

PhD student Gomer Pyle: Sir, because I was bored, sir!

Gunnery Professor Hartman: Because you were bored?[Professor Hartman starts to walk down the line of recruits, with the New Scientist magazine still at hand.]

Gunnery Professor Hartman: PhD student Pyle has dishonored himself and dishonored the platoon! I have tried to help him, but I have failed! I have failed because you have not helped me! You people have not given PhD student Pyle the proper motivation! So, from now on, whenever PhD student Pyle fucks up, I will not punish him, I will punish all of you! And the way I see it, ladies, you owe me for one New Scientist magazine! Now, get on your faces![The other recruits get in front-leaning-rest position.]

Gunnery Professor Hartman[to Pyle] Open your mouth![He shoves the New Scientist magazine into Pyle’s mouth.]

Gunnery Professor Hartman: They’re paying for it, you eat it!

Interested in becoming a Scientist 2.0? Then visit my blog

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